At the beginning of the sabbatical, I realised I had been living with overwhelm and exhaustion as ever-present companions. I was battling through a season of depression. I felt a constant deep-seated tension inside, along with a cynicism that had sown seeds of hopelessness that tangled around my heart. I was walking with God closely, but I still felt distant from Him. I was struggling to sense His presence, see His love and involvement in my daily life.
The sabbatical was immensely healing for me. I am not the same person I was at the start of it. While I still struggle (and probably always will) with the same tendencies toward overwhelm, anxiety, depression and wanting to control, I have seen God gently unclench my fists and help me begin to surrender control to him in a new way. He’s lifted the burden of drivenness and helped me to feel the relief that comes from trusting him moment by moment. He’s taught me to receive His love and care, to see His intimate involvement in my life. (see my previous post, a story: An Earring and the Love of God)
I feel like the sabbatical was one big exhale of breath. The rest, the removal of pressure, the time in creation, all the good books and good food, the time with my family and time with the Lord has been a soothing balm to my soul. And not only that, but these gifts have also eased the cynicism I was feeling – the constant expectation of negative things – and replaced it with a deep sense of how loved I am by the Lord, that I am one of His favourites and that He delights to generously bless me. I’m learning very slowly. . . but I’m learning to let things take the time they take, to pay attention to my desires, to let go of “shoulds” and to rest in God’s heart of generosity towards me. I feel like a toddler taking faltering steps but I know my Father is watching with a smile of delight and love.
There were so many moments when I sensed the nearness of God, and many of them have occurred in His creation. The beauty of the world around me, its vastness, its simplicity yet intricacy, its colour, its rich variety, – it all filled my soul. All of it – from frosty winter woods to the green of exploding spring – showed me the power and love and wisdom of God. Over and over, I’ve felt God has held out to me abundant and beautiful gifts. Honestly, it’s felt like it’s been almost too much to take in. These gifts have not only been through His creation, but also through the kindness of His people, specific answers to prayer, His clear protection from danger and through His Word. The Psalms of Ascent have been a particular blessing to me as I’ve memorised some of them. So many of the verses felt so relevant and even like a description of our sabbatical, like markers of things God was showing me. There have also been a few books that God used to speak to me. **See below for titles** His voice has been gentle but very clear. You are a creature. Surrender to me as your Creator. Accept your limits and humble yourself before me. Release control. And trust me as your Shepherd who is with you always. I’m learning to allow things to take the time they take. I’m seeing that my ambitions and driven nature push me to try to fit way too many good things into a day or a week. God has been teaching me to slow down, to plan less, to be content with how a day has turned out. I am a slow learner but maybe that’s part of the lesson. Growth happens slowly and maybe that’s OK.
I’m so grateful for the gift of time. Three whole months with no agendas or pressures! It felt like it took me awhile to relax into it, but at some point, the awareness that we had many weeks ahead to be on sabbatical felt so good, like such a relief. I was given permission to slow down, do things I wanted to do, listen to my heart, rather than being so consumed with “shoulds.” The quiet and space enabled to be able to hear God’s voice more clearly. I was able to start to learn to let go of control (of little and big things), to look to God for his plans for our days, and to let my heart rest in his sovereignty and love for me. I feel like He gently began teaching me a new way of being – a more surrendered, moment-by-moment dependence on him. I have in no way arrived in these areas, but the Lord has been gently leading me, and I feel like my heart posture is really different than before the sabbatical. This time was incredibly special, and I realise now how hungry my heart was for it. What a joy it has been to let my heavenly Father gently teach me how to live under His easy yoke.
**We hope to share a post on: “Resources that Blessed Us” which will include books we read on our sabbatical, but for now let me share the titles of the books that impacted me the most in the areas of surrendering control, humility, and living under Christ’s easy yoke.
Unshakeable – by Jason and Tori Benham
Humble Roots – by Hannah Anderson
Simply Tuesday – by Emily P. Freeman
