From Melanie: One of our big goals for our sabbatical was to spend lots of quality time as a couple and to really focus on working on our marriage. We began the 3 months feeling 100% committed to our marriage (as we have been from day one!) and being thankful for the way we work together as a good team. But both of us were feeling stuck and defeated in some areas of our relationship, despite our best attempts to work through them.
As Peter has said, a well-established marriage has well-established patterns! And these usual ways of relating sometimes need to be examined, challenged and changed. We believe our marriage is the core of our family, and our family is the core of our ministry. And we also know that Satan is prowling around looking for ways to destroy marriages and thus ministries. So, we felt our marriage was a strategic area to strengthen during the sabbatical.
Having lots of time was so important. I am Peter’s biggest fan in ministry and have always been happy for him to be serving in the limelight and for me to be in the background. But not having to share my husband for three whole months was such a gift! Having this extended break made it easier for us to dive into difficult conversations knowing we had plenty of time for them. We also had plenty of time for fun, light-hearted connection and romance too which were so enriching for us.
Peter and I took lots of long walks in beautiful surroundings and had lots of long conversations. This took some deliberate effort as we had our daughters with us – but they were very content to do their schoolwork or play or be outdoors themselves while we spent time together. It helped that we were in beautiful locations where we could take long walks within the vicinity of the houses we stayed in, knowing the girls were just fine.
We went to two different marriage retreats (made graciously possible by the girls staying with family). We read multiple books and talked through them, and we found an online tool about “love styles” that was extremely helpful to us. We laughed and just enjoyed being together. Were any of the retreats, books or tools the “magic” key that fixed everything? No. It is God who is our ultimate hope and it’s been Jesus who has been the “key,” working in His signature way that isn’t always definable. But we can testify that God has answered many prayers and been at work in beautiful ways.
Was it all easy? Absolutely not. Was it all worth it? Incredibly so! Are we “sorted” now? Have we “arrived?” No way. But our hearts feel more at rest. Not because what we have is perfect, but because what we have is very valuable and very good.
We are feeling so much more connected as a couple. Our hearts are softer and warmer toward each other. We have a new joy, a renewed hope and a deeper gratitude for each other. We have a better understanding of each other, our “hot buttons” in conflict, and why we often react to each other the way we do. This has given us a greater compassion for each other which has in turn helped us to react to each other more graciously when conflict happens.
God has clearly been at work and we are so grateful.
A few of my takeaway points from the sabbatical:
- I’m realising the damage I can cause to Peter with my negative words. This is still a wrestle for me in my heart, but I feel like I’m moving towards letting go of control and speaking more words of encouragement and affirmation. I want to use my tongue as a tool of healing and blessing in his life. Words build worlds!
- New or renewed desires: Be quick to listen! Slow to speak. Slow to become angry. Don’t judge or be too certain. Give up my quest for justice and desire to be “right.” Realise I might be wrong, or I might be missing something. Identify MY part in a conflict and start there.
- God gave me Peter and He is at work. I want to receive Peter as God’s good gift to me without trying to change him. (“Receiving” is different from “accepting” which just means “putting up” with!) Differences, struggles and conflict are good opportunities for growth!
- It is crucial to identify our “hot buttons” in conflict and the lies behind them. Remember that Peter is probably not deliberately pushing my buttons!
- Respond to God rather than reacting to your spouse. Reject old scripts/ways of responding. The trials that shape us usually have faces! (ie they are people, often our spouse!)
- Focus on feelings, not issues when resolving conflict. Focus on being gentle and tender.
- Anticipate setbacks. Be patient with yourself and your spouse. Appreciate every little step forward.
- What do we want to protect as couple as we return? Margin – which will lead to . . . time together which will lead to . . . gentleness of our conversation which will lead to . . . fun which will lead to . . . closeness and warmth which will lead to . . . a healthy marriage as a solid centre for family and ministry
From Peter: On one of the marriage retreats, one of the speakers addressed the pastors in the group. “Coming away from your church this weekend to work on your marriage sends a better message to your church than any sermon.” That is true, and we would love to see others enjoying ‘A Weekend To Remember’ as we did (a superb marriage retreat run by Family Life Ministries).
To be honest, the idea of coming away from the busy schedule of normal life for three whole months felt slightly daunting. I absolutely love my wife, but that doesn’t make every moment together easy and enjoyable. Three months together, without any ministry responsibilities, meant that we had time to invest and no reason to postpone any conversation. As Melanie said, that was not always easy. But it was good. We were able to pray about areas where we felt stuck in patterns of conflict or tension. One book mentioned that when there is anger rising up in a relationship, you can either stuff it, spew it, or study it. We had the time to prayerfully study those moments where we were feeling angry, or upset, or disappointed, or hurt.
The opportunity to invest time and energy in our marriage like this was a real blessing. We have learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Understanding a difficulty is not the same as solving it, but it is hugely helpful. There have definitely been moments where we were both confused at how the other person was reacting. Why is she so…? What can’t he just…? And where there is confusion, there can easily be misunderstanding, hurt, and unhelpful jumping to conclusions. She just wants to…! He obviously doesn’t…! One of the gifts God gave us during these months was a greater understanding of each other. As I said above, understanding a difficulty is not the same as solving it, but it is hugely helpful. Knowing why our spouse might be reacting the way they are helps us to lean in and lovingly help, rather than pulling away in hurt or frustration.
The vast majority of marriages are challenging because they involve two sinners. On top of that, we tend to be married to the person we value the most and therefore their opinions, reactions, comments, tone and expressions carry greater weight than anyone else. And in the normal rhythms of life, we tend to be with that most important person when we are most tired and worn down. It should be no wonder that marriage can be challenging. And yet, with God’s Spirit at work in both spouses, and with liberal amounts of forgiveness, grace, apologies and care, it is possible to keep on growing closer as the years pass!
A well-established marriage will tend to have well-established patterns, of course. But with God’s help, a well-established marriage can grow deeper, closer and better than ever. I am really thankful for the investment we have been able to make in these months, and I am looking forward to continuing to grow in our marriage in the decades still to come!
A few of my takeaways points: (to add to some of Melanie’s which apply to both of us):
- There is power in really listening and hearing. I don’t need to counter or correct what Melanie is expressing, but I do need to hear her. There is healing power for her in being able to express her feelings and be heard.
- I am naturally inclined to avoid tension and so will naturally give an upset Melanie what I would want if I were upset – space. I need to remember to give her what she needs – an interested and listening ear, loving care and support.
- It is easy to communicate at the level of cliches, facts and opinions, but harder to get to the level of feelings and transparency. It’s harder to get there, but it is necessary for closeness. It can be harder because of busy schedules, or because of some temperaments, or both, but it’s worth fighting for this level of communication.
- At the Weekend to Remember a speaker used an illustration of a relay race where a team member dropped the baton at a changeover. The coaches screamed at the runner to pick it up and keep going, that they were still in the race. They did and ended up winning the relay. “Everyone here will feel like they’ve dropped the baton already,” the speaker said, “but you are still in the race – pick it up and keep going!” So true, and so worth it.
Marriage is one of God’s most precious gifts. The most precious things we possess are the things worth protecting, investing in, cherishing and fighting for. No matter what state your marriage is in, choose to lean in and invest in it, even if it’s hard or it means reaching out for help. God is for you and for your marriage! With him there is always hope!
